Feeling sleepy and cold and it's only 9:30. I'm thinking I'll call it an early night.

Distance, if only a few hours, can do one some good to help think on things.

My mind keeps wanting to revert to thinking "what did I do wrong?" It keeps wanting to say "what about when she did this little thing like scratching my back that seemed so important at that moment?" or "what about the endless smile during our christmas date?"

And yet, I have this peace and stillness knowing that this is OK.


I know that it's OK that I'm having the usual "shift in thinking" that comes with a break up, no matter how big or small, no matter how good or bad.

I know that I didn't do anything "wrong" - just that two people embarked on an adventure... and one wanted to keep going when the other saw another path to venture down.

I know that we'll still be friends because the time invested in each other was/is real and we really do like each other as people... just a slight absence of a spark somehow.

And no matter how bad sympathies and trite comments make me want to feel like something went wrong - it didn't. That's the annoying part. Ugh... stupid human emotions. Bugger that - stupid Satan for wanting to influence my divinely created emotions.

This is all OK. And though my mind wants to recede and have some sort of defeatist attitude, my spirit leaps for joy; all the awkwardness and desires will fade away and I'll be gifted with a sister to journey with.

Can there be any greater gift from God than allowing us to play with his other creations? Allowing us to interact and stumble and bump into each other's lives... being influences and being influenced? God using our divine gift of reason to reason out the supernatural, sharing stories of His Glory and His Power?

And us, like little children, trying to imitate that which we see God do so amazingly - love. And so we try and try and we try. And sometimes we get it right with the wrong person. And sometimes we get it wrong with the right person. And sometimes we are too close to soon to far too late, missing our most oppertune time by a misplaced sentance or an embarressed silence.

What greater gift is there, then, than the brotherhood and sisterhood of Christendom, where we are allowed to make mistakes and bump the wrong way and stumble at the wrong time? Where forgiveness reigns supreme so that awkward is only an awkward word and joy is present even if we only know of each other's spirit, never even getting to taste from it?

And if we, as God's children, are to be gifted one day in a communion of three - husband, bride, God - then how can I possibly hold regret that God would drive a spirit to say "wait" - we, who we are this day and at this time and in this resturaunt - we are not to take this path any longer until/unless we are directed back on it. Instead, I must rejoice in knowing that God guarded my heart, her heart, saving them from cuts and knicks and being eaten by someone who wasn't supposed to have it - no matter how nice or pleasant or pretty or spiritual that person was.

So I rejoice in your divine Wisdom, God of Solomon who have gifted me not with a mate but a sister with whom I can share your treasure of life. I thank you for watching over us, rewarding us with a succesful ... whatever it was we had.

I will not eat this darkness of thought that I did something wrong that I failed that I messed up. God, I have tasted, puckered and pondered and found that this gift is good.

Can I rest now?