i grow tired from the lack of a love.

so many thoughts curse my mind at night. ghosts of my mother. failures of wrongly placed supplies orders for work. stress of my stupid spending of cash.

and the lack of a love.

and i get frustrated because the loves I do have - the loves of the friendship kind - are so stagnant because I'm not ever here it ever seems.

I can't sleep because I don't know what Mark/Tasha/Logan/Zane are up to. I haven't seen Sh4wn in ages. I've not seen Andy since January. I've only seen Rena's child once. I haven't head from Stefan since my mother ventured on. I've not seen Chris since our meal with Len.

there's so much about life that seems so questionable. and have i become so set in my ways that I could even consider a mate? and that oh-so-frustrating question... what am i doing with my life? what do i want to do? and how in the world can i submit to a higher calling of God if I have no idea what i'm supposed to be doing?

I spent this past week teaching a bible study at the Southern Baptist Convention. And let me say... it was the most refreshing thing I've done in ages. i truly felt like i found the water i had been panting like a dusty old dog for. it was so different than the year before when i decayed under stress and expectation at Union's cfuge camp.

but what do i do with that now? there are no youth at my church to help prepare for and explore life with. i don't even know any teenagers, hardly. and there are no oppertunities for me to preach. and no one's taken me under their wing to learn from. and so i feel stagnant.

and so i lie in bed, thoughts cursing my mind.