I'm barely a man, and in no way am I ready for this.
What Earthly wisdom, skills and crafts can I teach this child of my king. My God.
What if I raise my hand in anger? Will he strike back with the power of a thousand rushing seas? If I don't spare the rod, will he spare me for the pain I cause him? How can I ever seek to tell him he did something wrong; will he ever anything wrong?
Will he anger? Will his eyes burn with the heat of Elijah's burning chariot? Will I succumb to the awe and majesty of the tender flesh, falling to my knees, a weak and trembling father bowing before his rightful ruler?
Whose Child is this? I took no part in the creation of his flesh, but my words and actions will imprint upon his mind and hands. I can teach him how to build cabinets and crosses, but I have no hope to teach him how to rule nations or create worlds. My life, my thoughts, my bride and all that is mine will be shadowed by the knowledge that this one child will change the world.
People will write books about him, live their lives for him, devote themselves to him. And I? I am just a carpenter.
Even the shepherds know to worship him. How, how will I raise this newborn son?
There is a time in everyone's life when they must rise above themselves. Find that they are destined for something beyond this flesh and bone. We think so highly of ourselves, hoping to connect with God and the angels, hoping for some supernatural response to our devotion and ritual. And yet...
Here he is. In flesh in bone. Something beyond, made something so small, so weak, so frail.
And I - I have been tasked with wiping his nose, holding his arms as he walks, and handing him his first hammer. I must provide the mundane neccessities like food, shelter and warmth. And he - he must change the world.
What child is this? The babe, the son of Mary?
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I complain.
I moan, groan and embrace my pride with words of discontent as I forget the blessings and honor heaped upon me. I do this to foreshadow my true prayer, in hopes that it might persuade an all-knowing and all-powerful God to look up with pity, favoring that human emotion I know so well instead of simply letting Him love me.
Only after I show how weak, troubled, broken, defeated and depressingly human I am do I tell him my true troubles. And yet... He loves me.
Whe I feel lost and ruined you lift up my chin, and you set my eyes to truth.
And even in that truth, I find despair! Oh! The cruelty! People are against me! People want to harm me! All around is lies and pain! I see no safety.
Until I cry to You.
Listen, please. Let me be foolish and in pain. And then, please, set me free so I can love your truth. Then, then I can bless You and be blessed.
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I am the light, am I the light?
You died, right? I've heard it before, about the crown of thorns you wore, the beatings you took and the slurs and I heard the only one crying was a whore.
If you ask me - and I know you didn't - but that's not the way to die... for a king to die. So were you planning to die this way or is it untrue?
I am the light is what you said; you died, you rose is what I read. Your death had no frankencense, myrrh or gold. I would prefer a hero's death instead.
I am the light, am I the light?
I cannot match the way you lived. I already know I'll do more wrong than what's right and I know you will ask for more than I will give.
So I hear that you were sinless. But I am so full of sin. Bless me my Father, fo I cannot be half of what you want for me.
Dress me in your light, your grace giving light. God I want to be living. I am tired of this body, so full of sin and dust. Please Lord, by my king.
And if I follow you and live in your ways - I will try to give my life away. I want to be free but we both know how much you will have to forgive.
I am the light, am I the light?
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be my rest
help me to sleep tonight
tell me tomorrow comes
and it will be alright
be my rest
be my friend
i need to know i'm loved
a friend who always cares
a friend from far above
be my friend
do you listen for my voice
like i listen for your voice?
i haven't heard it in years
i haven't listened either
do you listen for my voice?
be my Lord
punish me if i need it
or send grace if you can
once more i might commit
be my lord
be my love
embrace me like a bride
remind me of passion
and rapture me inside
be my love
do you listen for my voice
like i listen for your voice?
i haven't heard it in years
i haven't listened either
do you listen for my voice?
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Am I somehow less than an animal,
A donkey, perhaps, pushing against a wall?
Failing to turn around, scared of what it sees
What my human eyes don't see at all?
I do not feel the heat of some flaming sword
Nor a dizzying rush of light
No conversations with some etherial face
Whose name is some unknowable word.
I heard that there are angels all around
I was told they're in this very room.
But God, my sweet wisest god of all gods,
Will I hear them if I don't make any sound?
Will I get to say thank you
To some invisible hero that saved my life
Or will they still be too holy for me to see
Even when I'm just a spirit too?
I heard there are angels all around
I was told they're in this very room.
But God, my sweet mystery of all gods,
Why don't they make any sound?
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I will kill You
I will kill You
and You will still love Me
I will weigh on your lungs
the pressure of my pressence
drawing out your last breaths
I am the maggot crawling
on your open wounds
your arms nailed down
you cannot swipe me away
i feast on your blood and pain
my life existing from your death
i live only because
your death will sustain me
I will kill You
I will kill You
and You will still love Me
and your blood will be spilt
in some other place across all time
my feet, my hands, my whole bruised body
bathing in it's righteous glory
i will cause your pain
i will be your disappointment
i won't be good enough
and then i'll mess up again
and then, as i am told to leave
as i am told i ruined my chance at paradise
you will rise up, bloodied
weak, and in all likelyhood weary
you will rise up
and say that i am one of yours
and you will lie on an alter
and die again for me
I have killed You
and I have killed You
and I have kiilled You again
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Was I born of Zion?
Am I some lost traveller,
Struggling to climb rocks
Stumbling towards her beautiful gates?
God, You love Zion
But is that where I'm from?
How do you know me?
How do I know me?
The singers sing of Zion
The dancers dance about her gates
But I'm stuck in mud
Stuck low in this valley
Where does my history go?
Can I trace it to Rahab?
To Tyre or Cush?
You favor Zion
Do you favor me?
I am not worried
I am not worried
I am not worried
Though I am naked
And the heat seems unholy
The temperature’s rising
But I am not worried
No I am not worried
And the wind is blowing
The ground softened
The rain is beating
But I am not worried
No, not worried.
I have no shelter
From this heavy storm
No voice to sing with
But I have no worries
No worries, anymore
God has dressed me
God has fed me
Made me who I am
I have no worries,
I am not worried
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in the silence of my heart
there I sat down and wept
and remembered Zion
but i have cast off my hopes
and hung them far too high
i cannot reach them
but the world wants a happy face
the world wants me singing
the world wants my soul silenced
how can i sing?
if i don't sing for You
may my voice crack and stumble
if i don't smile for You
may my lips crack and crumble
if i don't remember You
may my mind falter and fumble
and remember me, oh Lord
as You destroy my insecurities
and smile for me, oh Lord
as You break my hardened heart
and i will sing for You
with moist lips and a thoughtful mind
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thank you God a whole bunch
for this beautiful lunch
it taste good and sweet
it cannot be beat
you are the maker of lunch
the keeper of sandwich meat
you are the maker of lunch
honey mustard so sweet
you are my lunch-maker
you make my lunch
you are my lunch maker
thanks a bunch
you
you danced in her hair. playing with her, a mysterious two-step bob as it
swayed in the wind. you shone down on it, shimmering, my eye catching
her beauty. you danced there, waiting to be seen.
and you
you shone in her eyes. you gazed out into the world staring me down,
challenging me that she was the one. you dialated the pupils to her
soul so i could look beyond the flesh and look right in her body and
see you. you shone there, waiting to be seen.
i don't deserve this
where did i go so right?
i don't deserve this
to hold her here tonight
i don't deserve this
it was you.
you spoke in her breath. whispering inaudible whispers. (i know you
come in whispers). wooing me with sweet nothings like lines from some
shakespearian tragedy. your notes sprang forth from her lips, hung in
the air, then rested in my skull, resonating the sound of beauty. you
spoke there, waiting for me hear.
i dont deserve this
where did i go so right?
i don't deserve this
to hold her here tonight
i don't deserve this
you made the sun and the sky and the ground bow down and fade all away.
she was the only face i saw the only voice i heard the only thing i
knew that day. she spoke your truth, your love, i changed that day and
you, you planned it all that way. you made the sun and the sky and
ground fade away she was the only one i saw that day.
where did i go so right?
i'm holding her tonight
where did i go so right?
so right so right so right..?
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it weighs heavy
don't you understand that just because you want me to talk to you
it doesn't mean i can talk to you
and just because I want to talk to you
that doesn't meant I can talk to you
it weighs heavy
i want you to be prideful, less wreckless with grace.
i want you to punish me because your grace is so much more than i can take.
i feel like i keep insulting you more just to find out that you love me more.
i slap your cheek then spit in your face then stab your eyes but you
just open your arms welcoming me. how can you be so full of love that
you forgive my knowing, planned curses?
it weighs heavy
don't you understand all the wrong things i've done
outweigh all the good
shouldn't that mean i can't talk to you
and even if you've chosen to forgive me
how can i come close enough to talk to you?
it weight heavy
maybe i'm just mad at you.
maybe i just want you to lash out and smite someone, somewhere.
you give grace to murderers and molesters, so full of grace that you give them the chance to ask forgiveness.
but in waiting it hurts us and lives end and humanity seems defiled. i just
want to see you mad, some righteous anger turning over tables. i want
to know there's a limit so i can run away from it. i want to stop but
how can i stop when you keep letting me pile sins on you?
it weighs heavy
don't you understand that just because you want me to talk to you
it doesn't mean i can talk to you
and just because I want to talk to you
that doesn't meant I can talk to you
i'm so full of pride
you're so full of grace
i can't talk to you
i can't show my face
God, i hate my face
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You devour my shame and guilt
You devour my stench and eat my guile.
Though I curse you and forget Your pure, bright name, you devour me.
My blood quickens in the pule of darkness but you delight in devouring my cold, calloused heart. I wrestle not with angels, not even with demons, but with insecurites and misunderstandings, walking – no running – into the black disenchanted woods scared that someone might see my frail soul as it seeks satisfaction.
And there, in the cold solitude of sin you devour me.
You devour my shame and guilt
You devour my stench and eat my guile.
I lick up the remains of my brother's gnawed flesh, thinking I may gain some unholy power of persuation over him by belittling his innermost struggles. And so, you devour my dark soul. I stitch my wounds before cleansingmyself, keeping the infection hidden until the puss and blood seep through my clothes leaving an unavoidable obvious and blatant stain. Yet you eat of my body, cursed and wretched as it may be; You offer me your body as a feast.
And there, in my gnashing of teeth on your tender flesh
You devour my shame and guilt
You devour my stench and eat my guile.
And in selfish pride I look down on those who eat of You, pity them. I binge and purge on your offerings, pretending to eat of meat but expelling it to gorge on curdled milk from a seductive, imprisoned bovine. I close my eyes, scared that I might see you in light and be found naked and wanting. Afraid that you might devour this fake self I work so hard to wallow in. I run from your blood, for a dark tan is more pleasing than a milky white pruning of the epidermis.
Halleluia, Your blood devours me
Halleluia, Your blood devours me
You devour my world
You devour my world
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Oh God, please help me,
Today I'd take the mark.
I thought I'd be better
I thought I loved your wife when I'd met her
My love turned to pain, my pain to hate
My God my God, what's to be my fate?
It's just too much to swallow
Lip service just makes one feel so hollow
I know You're out there somewhere
But it just seems like no one cares
So sorry for being doubtful
And sorry for being so weak
Stop yelling and telling I know that I'm wrong
But I can't stand your holy soeak
So God please please help me
'Cause today I'd take the mark
I thought I'd be strong
Maybe I'll choose the world
I never thought I'd come to this
Oh God please help me
Today I'd take the mark.
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And you're smiling at me,
But I can't smile at you
And it seems that you love me
Even with all that I do,
And I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
A beautiful scene
A storybook romance
You're so forgiving
Of my total distance
A courtship so true
That I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do
So please keep smiling at me
And then I'll blush just for you
And I want you to hold me
While I think of what to do
I don't know what to do
Why don't I know?
Why don't I know?
After all we've been through?
Why don't I know what to do?
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