Hello all...
just thought I'd give a quick update on my mom's condition.
Tuesday my mom and dad met with the doctors to talk about having in-home hospice care. That would mean someone would come and help take care of her since she's past the point of my dad being able to do so (it took three EMTs to get her up last week).
Unfortunately, they don't offer 24-hour hospice care at home.
Thus, she's in a hospice center.
One of the things about being in hospice is you, essentially, sign your life away. As in: they don't do anything to prolong the life. You sign a paper saying they don't perform CPR if you're choking. They don't shock you if you're having a heart attack. They seek comfort for you.. but not to heal you.
So mom signed that paper.
The other part of this story is that, while they found a chemo (pills) that would work and not damage the kidneys, Tuesday was he last day on it. Her body has "deteriorated" to the point that the chemo does no good for her, and only harms; is only a poison attacking the body, not a poison attacking the cancer.
So, I find out all this today while I'm driving to Panama City Beach to set up a light show for camp.
About two hours after all that, I get a follow-up call from my dad.
Her condition, as described by my dad, has "taken a turn for the worse." It already had been an awkward day for him as she had been sleeping all day. Well, her vitals are no sporadic and her body temperature has dropped.
How do you type such things?
ARGH. I've started and stopped and changed this paragraph too many times.
I'm happy I got to see mom on Easter. I'm happy I got to see her on Mother's Day.
Those are good memories and it's good to have the last, lingering memories be happy ones where she's alert and coherent. I should hope that she'll still be in such a state by the time I get to see her, but my understanding is that she is already past that stage and may not return.
I wish there was some answer as to when you stop hoping for an extension of life and start hoping that it will be as painless as possible for her.
Read More
So I guess I might need to clarify what I mean by "spiritual dry spell."
It's not a question of religion. There's no questioning for me of my faith... no question of the salvation to be found in the Sacrifice of Christ, no question to the creation and fall, no question to miracles and spirits.
I guess the question is... how does that impact this world? Or, I guess the better question is, how had the world impacted the faith?
It frustrates me that we live in a society where we have SO MUCH scientific knowledge but so little spiritual understanding. We are unbalanced and have embraced the phyisical, corrupting the natural and ignoring the super-natural.
By super-natural, I take CS Lewis' definition - those interactions between nature and "not nature" - spirits and souls and angels and demons and witches and satans and priests and the Heavenly Hosts.
It frustrates me because I know so well what the world says a 23-year-old male should be doing with his life. He should be seeking to procreate, seeking out women to conquest and take to his cave to ravage and control. He should be playing politics in the office, fighting tooth and nail for a raise and whatever will make him look better to his boss's boss. He should enjoy sports and cheer for violence while tasting of sexuality.
But what if I don't want that?
Where do I turn for the spiritual influence? I'm not a musician, so I can't lead worship. I'm not some kind of "known name" or even have the proper seminary education to preach in a regular setting. I'm not some great linguist whose writing books on kissing dating goodbye or whatever trend is the flavor of the month. I refuse to be relevant simply to be trendy.
I want to be me and serve God in that way. I want to pray and know that things will happen with more confidance than the girl casting spells down the way. I want to follow my spirit's yearning for companionship and not be thought of as trying to hit on a girl (or guy, for that matter).
But there are no examples. We weren't taught in school any kind of social graces. We weren't exposed to the possibility that there exists something beyond the five senses.
I want to be able to love back... I'm caught up in some giant love affair with God where he dies for me and He gives so much... but His love is so overwhelming and His grace so... so... wreckless that there seems nothing I can do to prove His love back.
It feels so much like those high school relationships where the other likes you more than you like them... and it tears you up because they deserve to be loved and cared for more than you know how.
So I wake up in my bed in the morning, leaving the fantasy and confusion of my dreams, to live a mundane life where miracles are believed in, but not relied upon. I experience safe decisions all day and constricting budgets to question everything we do. I don't meet new souls because I have no idea where to meet them or even how to since I'm so caught up in my little subculture.
I feel dry. But even dry bones can dance, so says God.
God, your children... at least one, that is... are/is begging for you to stop the mundane madness and interact. Be supernatural. Not so that You're proven. Not so that the "forces of darkness are vanquished." No so I can brag, "look what God has done for me."
Reach into this world so I can hug you. Cuddle with you maybe. Buy you a cup of coffee. Do you like to play video games?
Read More
sigh. spritual dry spell. i know they come and they come to pass. but i'm growing weary of the mundane.
and i find it very odd that it's 1:30 am and there's a bird chirping outside my window.
Read More
So yeah.
I'm sitting here, typing away at Bob Evans. Bob smashing Evans.
Typing on a laptop, the info sent up via my bluetooth cell phone while a waitress brings me Turkey & Dressing and a loaded potato (yeah for high carbs).
It's quite the surreal experience in many ways. And it's a touch funny 'cause everytime the waitress walks by she's trying to figure out what i'm doing with this laptop here in Bob Evan's.
Bob smashing Evan's.
Read More
This is why I want to some day live in Japan:
http://yoga.at.infoseek.co.jp/flash/kikkomaso.swf
Read More
TechTV and G4 are merging. And that's today's stunning news in my tech world. According to the site (g4techtv.com) all the good techtv shows will still be around - the screen savers, anime unleashed and unscrewed...
but still; it was great to have choices. it'd be kind of like marvel and dc merging. just feels like something's not right in the world.So... self-friend Tasha invited me to take a lil test to find out about myself. Having just read an article in UTNE about these very tests, I figured it might be interesting to actually do a brief test and learn what they say.
By learning what my love languages are (physical touch, gift-giving) and how they affect me and how I respond to others, it doesn't hurt to learn more about myself via these tests.
So here's my question... since you all know me if you're reading this vain lil blog anymore... are these accurate?
Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
Read More
|
ENFP - "Journalist". Uncanny sense of the motivations of others. Life is an exciting drama. 8.1% of total population. |
|
�Conscious self |
Overall self |
|
|
|
|
Enneagram Test Results
|
iTunes 4.5 lets you convert WMA to whatever formart you use in iTunes.
joyfully, my iTunes can now once again access such wonderful music as They Might Be Giants' "Mink Car" album, The Normals, some old Sixpence stuff, and the Blood Brother musical.
And there was much rejoicing.
Read More
There is a word more beautiful than all others in song: Alleluia.
Whether Resse Roper sings it, whether the guy from For All the Drifters sings it, whether you mom sings it during sunday morning services. The word is beautiful.
I think the word is beautiful because it is one of the few remaining words that has been reserved not for secular devices, but for the sacred. It's a word that has no comparable meaning in the English language... its a "magical" word. And when people sing it...
When someone around you sings it you are gifted with a hint of their worship. You are given a glimpse of their communion with God. It's a greater gift than getting to interact with another human created by God - it's getting to see a lover sing to their creator.
I don't know Erin McKeown's religous standings. I don't know if she's a follower of Christ or if she offers sacrifices to the Nine Muses; I know tonight I head her sing the word Alleluia. And it was beautiful.
My God, my God... how can it be that in Heaven the choir will be made of so many beautiful souls with beautiful voices? How can it be that Michael Knott will sing with Natalie LaRue will sing with Michael W Smith will sing with Jennifer Knapp will sing with David Bazan will sing with... maybe... Erin McKeown? Will we get to hear them sing their songs of love again, or be overwhelmed by the praises they give to you?
Will you allow them to have a throwback concert where they play a few earthly tunes? Will you even allow a slightly imperfect pitch or out of tune guitar?
Strange it is, perhaps, that tonight to shook hands with Erin and all I can think of is Heaven. Perhaps that's the greatest compliment one can give an artist. Her songs, her music... though in no way planned or contrived or desired to do so - her songs redirect my thoughts to the very Creator of harmony and chords and language and vocal chords and electrical current to run the sound system.
Yes, Erin is that good in concert. And yes, her "Alleluia" was even more beautiful than her face.
Read More
Erin McKeown... wednesday... 8:00pm at exit/in.
Who wants to come with?
Read More
Food poisoning is not an enjoyable experience.
However, I would recommend all humans to experience it at least once. It's amazing what the human body can do to get rid of stuff that it doesn't want in its system. Not that it's enjoyable. But the whole time I couldn't help but be amazed at the literal flushing out of my system.
I used to always wish that somehow God could have designed us so we didn't have to go to the bathroom. That our body was so fuel-efficient that we use it all up.
But now that I've had food poisoning, I have a new-found resepect for what my body does without my knowledge... and how quickly it reacted to the introder of a Sweet Cheese Roll Thingy from Hades.
So yeah... thank you God for making a body with systems that can react so fast to a threat to the body's health. Really, you should all experience it some time... it's quite... opening.
Read More
It's 3:43 am.
I don't want to go to sleep. Anything to distract me would be good... video work. Conversation with friends. Someone to cuddle with.
It's tough when you don't want it to be tomorrow. When you don't want it to come because tomorrow could mean so many things.
How in the world is a man supposed to go home knowing that is mother is so ill? It's so much easier to ignore it. But still tomorrow is already today. It's 3:51. Go to sleep, Aaron. Go to sleep.
Read More
After watching the Passion this evening, I've come to three conclusions:
1) The Passion is not a great date movie
2) The Passion is not a great Christian witnessing tool
3) The Passion is not a great movie
That said, The Passion is a movie ever Christ-follower should choose to experience and one that non-Christians might have a struggle understanding. And no, I'm not going against the flow of popular opinion just for "rebellion's sake."
Read More
MORE...
So... explanations: 1) The Passion is not a great date movie I think it would be nigh impossible to make-out during (or after) this movie. There is no sensual show of skin (unless you count Jesus' booty at the end...). There are no sweet words of romantic love or pleasent dreams of marriage. No pouty lips or lines to steal for wooing. Instead, metaphorically (and literally... gotta love the "Christian Paradox TM") it's about a husband taking physical abuse from his slut of a wife. He never seems too emotionally distraught... even though his two best friends (Judas and Peter) leave him to the throes of abuse, his mother seems to be a constant source of emotional fulfillment. The only reason you might hold a companion's hand during this film is for emotional support at the slicing of humanity that you watch; the discomfort of pain. If you're able to get anything other than a sentimental, meaningful, comforting kiss after this film... then truly you are detached from humanity. If you are a pair of normal people who have yet to meet this hand-holed Christ, then the movie will likely confuse you. It will seem like a gloried blood & guts movie with all the blood and guts spilling from one human and not 100. If you are a pair of Christ-followers, then seeing this movie will leave you emotionally drained and needing time alone. And if you're the delicate relationship of a believer and non-believer, then you're going to have a lot of explaining to do to your mate, Child of God. 2) The Passion is not a great Christian witnessing tool Here's the problem with using The Passion as a "witnessing" tool. The viewer gets to witness the last days of the Son of God where he does little more than take punishment for simply being I AM. The flashbacks interspersed throughout give a good taste of Christ's life and teachings... but I'm not sure it gives enough to truly hook the viewer. There are several spots where, without prior biblical knowledge, one would be left thinking Christ is simply delusional. But hey, he did create a nice table. I realized in watching this movie that Christianity is so hard to define in one event. If it's defined in one event, I'm not so sure I'd choose the torture of Christ; His resurrection? Perhaps. The tounges of flame igniting the Holy Spirit? Perhaps. The second coming? Perhaps. But the torture of Christ? That's just the catalyst to the battle... not the whole story. I'm afraid that The Passion has already become a 'sacred cow' in the Christian sub-culture; a virtual God-send of a movie. This movie will not save lives. The Gospel is not presented. The movie will spark questions... but I'm not sure a lot of Christians would really be ready to answer them. It's a bit odd... before the movie I was kind of bothered by all the movie tie-ins and curriculmn. The "Meet the Man in the Movie" billboards and the "Meet the Cast" or "Behind the Scenes" sermon series seemed cheesy and pointless. However, now that I've seen the movie... they make sense. The movie does little more than create an opening for conversation or puts an image to the stories of Christ that people have been telling. I guess that just goes to say how jaded I've become... it seems to me like people are always looking for a sure-fire way to "win souls to Christ." This movie reaffirms that it takes truth and relationships for someone to truly understand Christ's mission and to recieve the gifting of the Holy Spirit. Without bases for understanding (why was Jesus' teaching cause for death? how do we know that Jesus is the Son of God besided maing people mad enough at him to kill him?) then a lot of the movie can be taken as simply watching a really really long torture scene. 3) The Passion is not a great movie So yeah. Here's my last big problem with the movie: I really don't think it's a movie. It's a work of art, yes. But... it's not entertaining. It doesn't succeed there at all... while I was watching I just wanted it to be over. Not because it was boring, per se... but because it just was so gruesome. The flashbacks were, without question, the best part of the movie. I was longing for more truth and less violence. I know that the point of the movie was to show the experience of His crucifixion (I thought to myself... I'm not sure I could walk up that hill to Golgotha and not be winded... let alone do it all scarred and cut... let alone with a big heavy cross... wow... Christ the athelete and a half). But I really wanted to see more of His life. I don't think I've met a single person who has wanted to see it a second time. And I'm not too sure that I want to. I can watch Jesus Christ Superstar over and over again. I wilil watch Last Temptation whenever its on for the intellectual stimulation. But I have no desire to ever again see a man crucified so graphically. Or to watch my Beloved scourged nearly to death. It's not that I want to belittle His sacrifice. It's just that I don't want to be entertained by it. The Passion is an experience to be remembered. Not one to be cherished. But... I do think that every Christ-follower should experience The Passion. "Modern" Christianity has watered down both the reality and mystical of our faith. The film does a great job at portraying both. The reality of His blood. The fact that He... nor anyone who knows Him, questions the mysticism of His power. The fear of the earthquake and the realisation of the torn asunder Holy of Holies. I think everyone should see not what He had to go through... but the determination He had to get to that cross and die for our sins. I've always kind of had the image that he just wound up there... weak and with decreasing care.... just to get through the motions. Instead, the movie shows Him getting up again and again... He wanted to save us. He wanted to take on our sins. He wanted to forgive us. He was determined. So yeah... The Passion isn't a great date movie or an entertaining movie or the end-all-and-be-all-of-witnessing-tools. But it is something to be experienced. When you're ready. And if I ever were to buy the DVD? It'd be to show my children, when they're ready. Or my friends, if they hadn't seen it. But one torture of my King is enough to watch. I put Him through enough every day with my sins.Yup... one night... lots of stores...
1) Blade (the vampire movie) DVD
2) Black work shoes
3) Brown work shoes
4) Derrida book
5) QuickTime Pro
fun fun fun...
Read More
The best bunch of VP's we've ever had to work with, hands down.
I honestly can't wait for the summer to hit so I can seewhat they come up with... it encourages me to stick around and gets me excited about being in the office again.
But I'm tired... oh so tied. 70 hours of work in one week. Ugh.
Read More
I've learned that I've inherited a trait from my mom:
When I'm tired, I don't censor my thoughts very well. Ask me my opinion when I'm tired; that'll get you a real answer.
Read More
In the midst of condemning cross-dressing (22:5) and incest (22:30), the laws of Deuteronomy give us a seemingly random, yet simple command: "Make tassels on the four corners of the outer garment you wear" (Deut 22:12).
That's it.
There is no further explanation; no reason is given. Just to do it.
So: what if we did? What if we took the laws given to us and followed them, blindly without question? Instead of trying to decide why such random laws are given to us, what would happen if we just did it?
Imagine taking an afternoon to christen your new coat, your new jacket, your new hoodie with four tassels one for each corner. During that time your mind might wander anywhere - or it might question why you're enacting upon such a seemingly silly request. Tassels are not the in fashion.
When you're done you sigh a breath of relief. It was painless and your outer garment now looks much more personalized. Maybe you even smile at having obeyed. Child-like faith feels good, doesn't it?
And then maybe as you wear your garment around, you find yourself enjoying the questions. People inquire about your newfound fashion statement; but it doesn't embarrass you. Instead, it opens up a chance to share about obedience to an Almighty God.
Or maybe you find your handle playing with the tassels, your fingers always seem to get lost in the strands of corded fabric. You remember one day why those tassels are there - because God asked you to put them there and you obeyed.
And every time you wear that outer garment, you're reminded - if you could be obedient to God in sewing tassels for a whole afternoon, you can be obedient to avoid sexual temptation for the moments that cutie walks by in far too little clothing (maybe they need an outer garment too). You hands find the tassels, a physical reminder of God's presences in all things of your life.
Maybe a simple, random law, one that you didn't understand, changes your life. Maybe a whole race follows this law and it becomes the Jewish prayer shawl. Maybe you realize that it's not the object that is holy, but the meanings behind things. Maybe you see that an afternoon spent obeying a silly little verse can change your life.
Or maybe you just think these little laws are meaningless; what could ever be holy about a cloak?
Read More
How cruel are the gods of concert booking...
Why must you pair my beloved Erin McKeown with Joan Baez - and make the tickets $37.50?
And why must they be sold out?
Read More
Saw Daphne.
Saw Daphne's new boyfriend rub all over her.
Felt awkward
(with a side of "Yup, I knew that he wanted her the first time I met him").
Saw Daphne's cute best friend, Allison.
Got Daphne's cute best friend, Allison's, phone number.
Felt awkward
(with a side of "I'm glad Al and I will get to remain friends - I was worried I wouldn't get to hang out with her again").
Tried to leave early to avoid an awkward goodbye with Daphne.
Daphne bought a CD and gave it to me.
Felt awkward
(with a side of "I suppose this is closure").
Oh, and Griffen rocked as expected. With a band, none-the-less.
Read More